difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

grudge - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. My mother has always been narcissistic, verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. I dont like to be around you. He made sure that I never got what I wanted and needed. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. Right before she died, my Grandmother experienced another one of her frustrated, disgusted out of patience with your stupidity rants.she told her Bonnie, the way you spoke to me just then is why you will never have a relationship with your daughter. Holding grudges is one of the top ways that people lose valuable relationships. This serial monogamy is a fairly recent phenomenon and the bible is silent on how to handle it. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. He blew hot and cold, he made promises, he cancelled dates all the red flags that Natalie has alerted us to. I used to think it was 77 times, but its in fact 70 times 7. And dont worryI clearly read the well-intentioned and accurate tones of both your comments! Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. Practice empathy. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. How did that statement make you feel? This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. the biggest betrayal of all is when a parent cant really love. Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. Boundary or grudge when toxic people confuse the truth - Reach Out Recovery Is your opinion of that behavior good or bad? Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. If this person being in my life only brought me pain, why would I go back when I can move forward? Theyre either in or theyre out! My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. But that isn't always the case. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. The urge remains to call him and ask, Can you help me make sense of what happened? Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. Thanks for your well thought out post. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. To keep going back to someone, or anything that has proven not to be good for you, why keep going back? Thank you. Thanks for the advice. NC is brilliant. In my mind I think that how hes acting is immature and offensive, but for some reason I truly cant get myself to believe that he is being genuine with this crazy stuff. When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. Flush this man from your life. Merci. Additionally, most individuals learn these habits as adolescents. If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre. But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. Same people. This is drama and will go nowhere! Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Closure? I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. Mayo Clinic Graduate School of Biomedical Sciences, Mayo Clinic School of Continuous Professional Development, Mayo Clinic School of Graduate Medical Education, Have questions about sex? And I dont think that my post said differently. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. Though whenever we are together he is constantly receiving text messages and laughing the entire time. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. re my son esp. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. you are special. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. Just wanted to clarify. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. No. Good for you and your new found strength! Right now, I only have the energy to forgive myself. hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. "Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you're trying to forgive. You begin to realize Although you think about it sometimes, you can live w/o it, and you feel better. resentment noun. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. Ill definitely remember that. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. I am glad that you seem to understand whats going on, I hope you can use your knowledge much more cleverly than I did. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. Yoghurt- Thank you. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. hll get the message! Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Those . He didnt care about you before, so why would he care now? Took a few years mind. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. She did not mention the message she had left me. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. Improved self-esteem. He had no answer to that so I walked away. so sad. Your response is keeping me strong. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. I was frightened of what people might say and looking like the bad one. I typed the website address into the search bar just now while chanting to myself Please let it say something about NOT seeking reassurance and approval and caring from someone who has demonstrated a lack of those things. I was trying to rationalize texting exfriend for support because its the anniversary of my surgery to remove the cancer, and Im feeling vulnerable. I am definitely tempted to do this! Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. This behavior continued into adulthood. I really have no feelings towards her at all. Yeah, people pleasing. . But please be careful! Ive been having insomnia looking for ways to go back to him. Hard to be alone. You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. Sign up for free, and stay up to date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID-19, plus expertise on managing health. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. "Think about how much emotional threshold you have towards most people even annoying ones," Owen said. Why? You will always remember. Just stay NC. Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. My ex EUM and I broke up a week ago and were emailing and he didnt email me all weekend and I was happy. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. Ive been there. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. Narc with more baggage than an airport. I am filled with anger although we have very limited contact. What a shame! Good luck. Maeve, thank you. This response is different from holding a grudge. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. Dont they usually tell recovering addicts to not associate w people they knew, or certain places? Or immature? What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. Why We Hold Grudges, and How to Let Them Go | Psychology Today You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. Thank-you all 4 your replies. But thats just me. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. It doesnt mean you need to have hateful feelings towards them, but its just sheer survival instinct on your end to step away from the nonsense. He was not dropping it, he was taking it to a new height and I fell for it. *Meditate if you dont already. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. So need this. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. Define your terms? You hit the nail on the head. She finally married her fourth husband and moved away and didnt contact us as often as she had. Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. Any thoughts? If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Probably has a harem and a significant other to boot. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. He does not mean you well. Talk to you soon. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs. I dont know if Im struggling with the definition of forgiveness (which is why I prefer a working definition as theres room for development) or if its the how. That ability would really come in handy for me right now, but I cant do that. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. I have found, though, that it was easier when I took my feelings out of the equation. Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. include protected health information. 2023 Copyright 2019 Reach Out Recovery, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. This has been my biggest weakness! Something she could have easily done herself. Its more lime an addiction. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. I forgive my ex who was abusive. Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. Yes. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. Whether the experience is a good one or a very bad one, hopefully you learn and come out a better person. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. I forgive him for being the way he is, for how he feels and for how he behaves. Im not calling her again. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. He never asked for my forgiveness and its a private gesture on my end, but its helped me measure my own progress. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. That is not the issue. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! If hes so happy with her why bother calling you?). Are you a good person? Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. I think in Natalies earlier blog posts she talks about how we are usually attracted to people that somehow fulfill our beliefs about relationships/or qualities that we ourselves have or things we value. I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. Maybe not forever, but for a season. We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. Id be cutting my nose off to spite my face. Ive come to terms with it rather. woman on the rebound who knows he is not the right guy butcould trick[herself]into being with him.. So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions. A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. Im either totally into a man with all of my being, or Im totally out. It's understandable. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. Quite early on he said he wasnt ready for another relationship (the last one was a year ago, and he feels suffocated in relationships), but that he wanted to try with me. I still get upset, but less frequently. My kid(s) see right through you. No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. You know you need to stop. Why should it be any different w people? I want to be a grown up too but, dang, your inner little girl is fun!!! other information we have about you. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. Thank you Natalie. "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. grudge - WordReference.com Dictionary of English He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? I needed it today. I will never allow her to the chance to make me feel like I am NOTHINGand that is a direct quoteever again. He replied were not over. Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! ;)). He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. THANK YOU! And I feel like I am going backwards if I were to stay. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. You can't force someone to forgive you. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. But thats the way it is. Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. Once its over, be it a romance or a friendship, I dont want to be bothered anymore. I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. What makes someone do that? They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. Whenever you have a thought, track it. For some reason young women feel they have to tell the jerk how hurt they are by what he did. I was appalled by this. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. I guess the attraction is that hes intelligent and I thought he was a nice guy. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Grudges are a form of punishment. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. It will be different. . I am feeling very weak like I just want to contact him to let him know how hurtful his behavior was but am trying to maintain my dignity. He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. Wondering how to escape a narcissist, be very careful. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. I did not acknowledge it. thts it. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. They run rampant on dating sites. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. Perfect explanation Sparkle! It was really tempting to seek him out tonight. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. Fewer symptoms of depression. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that youre not over an issue. And its SPOT ON. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. Vindication? MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. Im just searching for some truth. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. "Often, we'll find ourselves avoiding someone that we have resentment or an unresolved issue with," Habash said. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. You will not get it. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening.

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